My husband and I have been married for five years and I have not enjoyed our sex life. Recently, I decided to express my desires and fantasies to him. There has been a lot more sex, and it has been better, but deep down, I feel dirty and wrong to be fantasizing about these things. I have never had an orgasm while having sex, and even with us being increasingly more open and trying new things, I never even feel like I am getting close. I feel numb to my husband's touch! Please help.

The good news is that you have a willing partner to help you explore your sexuality. The emotional dilemma that stems from enjoying sex at the cost of feeling "dirty" is a common one endemic to our culture. But there is no reason why you cannot learn to explore and deepen your physical enjoyment with your husband, instead of "turning off."

If you are able to reach orgasm through masturbation, you likely do not have any physical problem which would get in the way, such as adhesions of the clitoris. Masturbation is a good way to discover and relate to your own sexuality if you are timid about bringing your passion forth with your partner. Lonnie Barbach's book "For Yourself," or others like it on the market, may help as it guides you through exercises for developing a positive relationship to your sexuality. If you are unable to reach orgasm on your own or with your husband, consider a consult with your gynecologist to assess whether there is any physical cause for this problem.

It is likely that you have discovered at least some of the reason for your inability to enjoy your sex life. If you are at odds with your fantasies, consider changing them toward what you feel constitutes a healthy and acceptable fantasy. You might also read my article "Clearing the Roadblocks to Sexual Intimacy," which can help you develop ideas for desensitization to sex, in general. In this article, the "sensate focus" exercise can gradually develop your sensuality with your husband, before having sexual intercourse.

Unfortunately, women and men are given conflicting messages about sexuality. Desensitizing ourselves to physicality is one of the first steps toward sexual enjoyment. Try walking around naked in the house, taking candle light baths together and/or massaging each other in the nude. Initially, don't follow these activities with sexual intercourse.

Other physically sensual activities, such as belly-dancing, jazz dance classes or Hawaiian hula dancing may also provide you the opportunity to sensually inhabit your body.

If after trying many of these approaches, you remain "numb" to your husband's touch, or if you find that doing these activities are disturbing to you, consider consulting a therapist knowledgeable in sexual development. Therapy can help you explore whether there were any tense or traumatic sexual experiences in your childhood or adolescence which might have resulted in a dissociation from your own sexual nature.

Keep in mind that although dissociating from sexuality can be a direct result of physical sexual abuse, it can also be caused by sexual associations or tensions that were not physical, but emotionally present in your childhood development. Visits to a psychotherapist can effectively assist you in "exorcising" these disturbing associations and ultimately reclaiming your body as your own.